I’m Natasha, and I’m on a path to being happy.
So this is my story..
Very little age, I was skinny, everyone thought I would be a thin girl. I was a fussy child not wanting to eat anything, that’s normal. But no, everyone in my life made me eat. And eat. And eat. And EAT. I begin eating until the point where I got a gut. Are you happy everyone? You made me eat so now I’m a fat pig!
There were problems at home, so that made me eat more because it felt good, that was the only thing I can control. Just isolated in my room, watching tv, and eating was the best feeling in the world.
Then, at age 9 I moved with my aunt and uncle. I was the new kid at school. That made me really scared so I begin eating to make it feel better. I did gain friends, on into middle school. I had the bestest friends through those times. We did everything together. But then my mom moved in with me, and the problems begin. One day all my friends decided not to talk to me anymore. It was whatever for me because I had a lot of friends. I bounced off from friend to friend until I sat in the bathroom by myself. Then I became friends with mostly boys and people older than me. My best friend was this girl who dressed as a guy, she would listen to all my problems and we clicked. We were inseparable. So 8th grade was good for a time. I became friends with this girl and she was bad. We got in trouble a lot. I did minor drugs and other bad things because I thought that was the cool thing to do at the time. Then I got anxiety from it all, and turned to food again. So we stopped being friends and I went back to my guy friends. I developed feelings for my friend. He was amazing. We had the best friendship ever and I just fell for his personality. There was no way in hell I was going to tell my friends so I kept it to myself, and I thought I would tell him in high school.
So then high school came, I began to hang out with these girls, I joined the basketball team, my grades were good, everything was great. But then, my mom had to move out because she was causing serious problems. I started focusing my whole attention on those girls (notice I don’t call them my friends) I spent my full time with them wanting them to like me and to include me in things. I bought them so many things and even took them to fucking Disneyland. That still didn’t help, they would ignore me, and not include me in things. So then I ditched my friends for them. Wanting, wanting, and wanting them to like me. I spent almost the whole year being a follower I guess. Then, came a day where they didn’t meet at the same spot we always met for lunch. I tried finding them everywhere. And I finally found them and sat with them. I remember this very clearly, they stopped their conversation, stared at me for the longest time, whispered to one another, and left me sitting there with all my lunch out. So I sat there the rest of the time thinking “oh well I’ll just sit with my guy friends then” For some reason it wasn’t a big deal for me at the time because I knew they would be there for me. So the next day I sat with them, and I did for weeks and so on. They talked to me like normal. But my best friend of the group, the guy/girl decided not to talk to me, but the guys did cause they’re guys, they didn’t give a shit. Then they would hang out without me, and I don’t know things just got bad. The last day I hung out with all of them was at a carnival and they were all making side plans behind my back and said they didn’t have rides for me and just bull shit. So I just stared at them, turned around and left, walked home. They didn’t give a shit so that was it. Then I realized, they had a right to not like me anymore, I practically just all the sudden stopped talking to them like they were old toys and dumped them into a storage box, and when I tried going back to them, it wasn’t the same anymore. Especially the guy I’m in love with. So I lost all my friends. And sat in the library for about the remainder of school year. I didn’t want to tell my family these things because I didn’t want them to worry, they had bigger things to worry about. So that summer I went insane. I begin to cut myself, ate until I felt sick, and layed around in my room all day long. That repeated throughout that summer.
So then this upcoming school year started and had major anxiety about it. The first few weeks I sat in the library by myself and walking towards all my former friends with their better lives. I tried joining hard things, to occupy myself. Unfortunately, I didn’t make anything I tried out for. I quit basketball <- the thing I loved, I got bad grades, and just was missing out on everything. Things were just bad, I couldn’t handle seeing everyone and not being friends with them. I pretended to be sick a lot so I didn’t have to go to school. I just felt like killing myself so much because I thought I was a waste of a human being. I began to write out my belongings I wanted to give away, keeping pills in my bedroom, this time binging until I threw up every single day, and still slicing the arm. I couldn’t take it anymore. One night, I was cutting and this girl from my former basketball team texted me saying hi and how I was doing. That made me feel good that someone wanted to talk to me. She invited me to sit with her at lunch, so I did. It was awkward at first, like I sort of used to be friends with these girls because of basketball but I didn’t want to be friends with them when they wanted to with me, so that was bad. Of course they ignored me, I was just a body to fill in a space to look like they’re not loners. I told her thanks but no thanks. She wouldn’t give up on me though, she generally wanted to be my friend. So I didn’t stop hanging out with her. Then, things just clicked. I was part of the group. It was nice. They still ignore me at times, for guys but I don’t care I have her, she’s my friend.
I would turn to food for all my problems. Now I want to turn to exercise and a healthy lifestyle.
I want to live a positive, healthy life now. I want to refrain from all the bad memories and be happy. That’s by changing my body and the way I see things.
In time, when I’m happy with my own self, I will become friends with my guy friends again and tell him how I feel, like I promised myself I will. I will join the basketball team next year and get more involved in school.
I will be happy.